In the words of Ronan Keating, life really is like a rollercoaster. 2015 has had it’s ups, (I’m looking at you New Order, Blur, Wolf Alice) and by goodness me it’s had it’s downs (basically the list below and beyond), so here we are to help you leave all the worst bits of the past year right firmly where they belong, in the past. If I could stop Calvin Harris coming out of every speaker/headphone/audio output ever again, just for you, I would, but for now, here’s a handy guide to the ten tracks best left in 2015.
(in no particular order-they’re all shite)
OMI (Felix Jahen Remix)- Cheerleader
Could this be our number one for most annoying song of the year? Maybe of the decade? Maybe ever? Okay, maybe we’re taking it too far, but between the squeaky tinny trumpets, the pathetic attempts of an engrossing bass and basically the whole lyrical attempt. This isn’t music, man. Stop it.
*Disclaimer* To all those humming this on public transport in 2016, I can not be held accountable for my own actions.
Calvin Harris & Disciples-How Deep is Your Love
Not very deep Calvin, not very deep at all. Chances are if you walked into any Lloyds bar/ Vodka Revs on a Friday night past 8pm in the past year you’ll have been caught in your own personal Calvin Harris hell. No, I’m not referring to being hit with a plethora of deep V neck tees and the overwhelming waft of Lynx Africa, even that is more bearable than the repetitive droning of this track. There’s nothing clever here, leave it in 2015.
Sam Smith- Writings On The Wall
I’m sorry Bond fans, it’s honestly nothing personal to you, or maybe it is you out-dated tradionalists. Kidding. It’s just that this song is SO.BLOODY.BORING. It’s not a ‘classic’ and it certainly doesn’t provoke any form of emotion in me, which I assume is mainly the idea behind using a full orchestral effort (the fact that my heart maybe actually made of ice is yet to be either confirmed or denied regardless). Let’s be honest, it’s underwhelming at best.
Look, I’m a Drake fan, I really am. But there is something about this song that just feels like Drake is even taking the piss out of himself here right? I was inundated with vines/memes etc mocking Drake’s choice dance moves in this video before I had even listened to the song. Done to death. Stay in the year you were born Hotline Bling.
Hold Back The River-James Bay
Please hold me back from stuffing the hat that is permanently glued to your head into your mouth James. Are we not over this acoustic, drooling, forlorn lovelost bullshit yet? Apparently not. Also, techincally released in late December as a lead single, the debut album followed us straight into the New Year, released January 2015 Chaos and The Calm is stuffed full of more generic, predictable and formulaic drivel.
Fetty Wap- Trap Queen
What is happening in this song? Can somebody please explain it to me. It seems to have all the components of a track that immediately make me want to turn it off. Highly digitalised, overly repetitive, monotonous complete generic radio play. Another one to stay in 2015. Cya, never.
WEEKND-Can’t feel my face
I can’t feel my face either, I’m too busy trying to tear it off every time I hear this bloody song played on the radio. What does it even mean? Is Abel Makkonen Tesfaye Aka The Weeknd so off his face on narcotics his whole face has actually gone numb and he is actually crying for help. Maybe somebody should call 999, or maybe we should just stop playing this song all together in 2016.
Meghan Trainor- Dear Future Husband
Listen carefully and you can hear the faint laughing of Meghan Trainors team mocking each and everyone of you for quietly accepting this song as actual music. Essentially re-writing the exact same formula for that other one she did ‘All About The Bass’, which was possibly even more shite, and managing to offend all females/males/ general animals and anything with a moral compass in the process. Warbling about buying groceries for her future husband and letting the poor bugger know that he best not forget to open the door for her and buy flowers on their anniversary. Dear, dear me. God help us all.
Chris Brown and Tyga-Ayo
The winner for the most inspiring and touching lyrics of 2015 hand’s down go to Chris Brown and his better half Tyga ” I’mma take her ass down/ when she bring her friend around/ F*ck ’em both like ayo/ ayo, ayo, ayo”. If I write anymore words to follow that, I’ll only be embarrassing myself.
Iggy Azalea and Britney Spears-Pretty Girls
When Little Mix even reject a song, you know it’s not going to exactly be a winner is it. Even Britney Spears realised how awful it was when she gave it a singular mimed effort on a TV Show for its only promotional duties. Iggy then promptly cancelled a whole tour following the shit show of a release, claiming it was because she’s ‘ready for a new direction’. So are we Iggy.
Any songs you’re glad to see the back of in 2015? Let us know @Gigslutz_