I hate clichés in writing, but let’s be honest: John Cooper Clarke is a national treasure. In the sense that, at a late stage of his life, nearly forty years since he was almost a footnote to the punk era, he is finally appreciated for what he is: a genius with words. Urbane, profane, infectious and verbally dextrous.
Born on January 25th 1949 in Salford, he began performing across Manchester, most notably at Bernard Manning’s Embassy Club. He held down a day job as a lab technician at Salford Tech. As the spittle of punk began to hit the stage, he supported all of the major players. When the era collapsed suddenly under the weight of it’s own snark, his grew in its demise. Two albums, a top forty hit, regular appearances on ‘Yoof’ TV.
Sadly, he became a lost cause in the 1980s. In what was loosely called ‘a domestic partnership’ with The Teutonic Princess of Ennui, Nico he became addicted to heroin. An advert for Sugar Puffs was probably the final insult.
Since then he has become part of the cultural fabric of our septic isle. Clean and serene, he has been happily married for 20 years. Apart from regular tours, he makes appearances on both TV and radio. Despite the disappointment of being covered by Arctic Monkeys, ‘I Wanna Be Yours’ is in the book of service for registry office weddings. ‘Evidently Chickentown’ once got him banned from the BBC. It subsequently featured on the closing credits of The Sopranos. He plays himself in the Ian Curtis biopic Control. And he recently won Celebrity Pointless with Rod Liddle.
With the soul of a poet and the body of a pipe cleaner, the world would be a little colder without him. Let’s look at his best quotes. ‘Appy days!
On money
“I ain’t waving the victim flag, but considering the impact I’ve had on British culture, it’s fucking diabolical how poor I am.”
On death
“Increasingly, I have to deal with bereavement. I could go to five funerals a week. But that many vol-au-vents isn’t good for you.”
On Burnley
“It’s Darwin’s waiting room.”
“My manager says I’m far too sophisticated an artist to play in Burnley. Or anywhere else where they still point at airplanes.”
On sex
“I have it once a year, whether I like it or not.”
“He makes love like a footballer! He dribbles before he shoots.” (Taken from ‘Psycle Sluts Part Two’.)
“Coitus interruptus… That’s Latin for ‘Hold the mayo'”
On growing old
“Old people like to give advice as solace for no longer being able to provide a bad example.”
“If I live ’til I’m 80, I fully intend to reacquaint myself with the world of opiate drugs. I think it’s ideal for the elderly. It should be there for the asking. If you’re over 70, you should be able to go and say, ‘Just give me some diamorphine and I won’t mither you any more.'”
On marriage
“I fell down the stairs the other night, but the wife just thought it was EastEnders finishing early.”
“I’m divorced now. We split the house. She got the inside.”
On heroin
“What was it? First it’s fun, then it isn’t, then it’s hell.”
“They used to say in the ’60s ‘If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem’. Well, when it comes to drugs I think it’s been proved beyond doubt that I’m part of the problem.”
On poetry
“I was convinced I would be rumbled, and would have to go and get a proper job.”
“Anybody who talks can write poetry theoretically. Having said that, they can’t, they’re better off leaving it up to the experts like me.”
On touring
“I don’t normally do requests, unless I’m specifically asked for them.”
On style
“With charm you’ve got to get up close to see it; style slaps you in the face.”
On education
“I still think the only reason you go to school is to learn how to read. After that, you teach yourself most stuff.”
On The Daily Express
“This paper’s boring, mindless and mean. Full of pornography, the kind that’s clean. Where William Hickey meets Michael Caine again and again and again and again.” (Taken from ‘You Never See a Nipple in the Daily Express’.)
On voting
“It’s a tough call. I wouldn’t recommend any of them.”
On fate
“As they used to say on Stingray, ‘Anything can happen in the next half hour’. I’ve always tried to live with that thought in mind.”
Kev McCready
@KevMcCready
