A Line of Charlie
Backline techs are, like I said, my cup of tea. These fellas are quite often younger (or young enough, anyway. Don’t judge.) and a lot of fun. They don’t have to get up the earliest, they don’t finish the last, they have some time off during the day, and this means that I end up socialising with them the most when on tour. I do seem to have a bit of a thing for them! On this tour we have Martin, the drum tech; he seems all right to have a laugh with so far. There are two guitar techs, David and Robin, and I have to say that they are fitting my usual criteria and are quite cute. Dark, short-ish messy hair, skinny jeans, scuffed-up Vans, nothing outwardly controversial to put me off. Uh-oh! Here I go again…
The chappie looking after the sound for the band, out at Front of House, is a bit older. For the life of me I can’t fathom what his name is yet. It sounds like it might be Toothy, but that can’t be right. Maybe it’s his surname or something. Anyway, there’s enough time to figure that out. I know a few amazing Front of House engineers who look after the band’s sound. And when I say look after it, I mean that whether they have their own desk or have to use bizarre set-ups when the promotions start up again from scratch in the smaller, European club venues (which is the next logical step after making it big in the UK), they always make the band sound amazing. They have to put up with so much from the venues and the fans. They are often not given enough direct inputs – used for converting unbalanced signals to balanced ones, whatever that is — which apparently makes their job difficult. I would be kidding you if I knew what most of what they say truly means, but they’re always going on about it! Sometimes they end up spending each night mopping up random pints of sceptical liquids flying at them like torpedoes during the gig; as a result, they quite often have to get a festival-style gazebo set up above them to protect the very gig that the fans have come to watch, but seem too keen to sabotage!
The Lighting Director is called Toby or Richard. Or something. To be fair, there are two that got on the bus late but I’m not sure which one is the boss, yet. LDs, ooh – that means we’re heading into murky territory, yet again! These blokes are another accidental groupie magnet for your intrepid guide (moi). I don’t know if it’s because they’re creatives or what, but there does seem to be a meeting of minds (and nether regions) when it comes to LDs. I know some amazing LDs, some of the most interesting people I know. There’s always the odd one that’s been in the industry a bit too long, but it’s difficult to get out of it once you, and your wife and family back at home, have become accustomed to everything. I don’t think there’s anything else that they’d even want to do if they weren’t touring. They earn a hell of a lot of money and once they have a great reputation for doing an amazing job, they’re sought after and can command a lot of respect with the lighting companies.
Lampies, or lighting technicians, are the St Trinians of the touring community. If there is a naughtier bunch then I haven’t met them. They’re quite often very intelligent, well-schooled, with a penchant for working hard and playing harder. They get up the earliest and finish the latest, and quite often don’t get a break in between larger tours. On some rare tours, they get a little time to themselves during the day, during which they can usually be found on the tour bus watching a film, getting stoned, or having a snooze somewhere. It all depends on how many are on the tour and their level of responsibility. It is a given, though, that they have the longest hours of all the touring crew when it comes to start and finish. They also do the most drugs.
If you want a line of charlie, you can always count on a lampie to come up with the goods. Kudos to these guys when it comes to putting in the graft. And so, whoever isn’t the LD is the other lampie chappie.
Finally, Monitor Engineers. Not quite sure what these guys do but they are always there! Ha, I jest! They stand side of stage and look after the sound that the band hears via the monitors on stage. The sound on stage is obviously very different to when you’re standing out in the crowd. Our guy is called Rick. Not to be confused with Richard, who I am already confusing with Toby. Oh lordy!
I have also worked with the odd Film Crew on tour in my time, or rather Film Directors and their vidiots, aka camera operators. They may be filming the gig for a DVD or at arena shows, for instance, be controlling what the crowd sees on the huge screens. They are generally really nice and a good bunch and I quite often end up on the same bus as them when I do merchandise for the bigger tours. It’s always a good crack! Don’t think we have any of them on this tour, as we don’t have any screens that I can tell.
Merchandise people — and again, this is my area sometimes, like on this tour — can vary from people who work directly for the band or merchandise companies and are professionals, right down to girlfriends and friends of the bands. Normally, bands start off with a friend just using Gaffer’s tape to secure a few shirts to a sweaty wall, which of course always fall down throughout the gig, and by flogging a few CDs. Eventually, there’s a natural progression where they get eased out and professionalism is allowed to take over. There is a lot of money to be made in merchandise, and any bands that don’t see this are complete and utter fools. I professionally stalked the first band I toured with; I sought them out off my own steam, rather than being asked to do it by a merchandise company, for about two years while they were ascending the ranks of success. When they needed someone to sell their merchandise at a relatively small gig in Manchester, at the Night and Day cafe on Oldham Street, which has a capacity of about 200 people, I was the obvious choice. I pinned a few shirts to a cork memo board and taped a few CDs and badges to a table. The next gig I did for them in Manchester was the Academy 1 at the University, with over 2000 people in attendance. And the rest, as they say, is history.
There are obviously other people who will probably turn up on the road, but we’ll meet them along the way. So, as far as any curiosity you might have as to who actually lives with me on the big ol’ tour bus with its mysterious darkened windows, well — I hope you’re satisfied for now.
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