This is a formal apology to Jess, who had to review The Vamps and One Direction for this week’s Singles Reviews. We wish her eardrums the very best of recovery.

Eminem feat. Sia ‘Guts Over Fear’

You know when someone just keeps on talking and talking to the point where your eyes glaze and you are not actually sure if they’re saying words or just making noises? It’s like words are being spoken and their lips are definitely moving but nothing is really being said? No? Listen to ‘Guts Over Fear’ and you will definitely know what I’m talking about. Eminem puts it best himself when he says ‘all I ever do is find different ways to word the same old songs’ because, whilst this is no Slim Shady anthem, it just feels like a complete regurgitation of his previous work . One thing is for certain though, people definitely won’t be calling this ‘sick’. It’s just bile. Bile with a bass.

Kele ‘Doubt’

Okay, so Bloc Party were going down hill (we get it) but surely the producer of 2005 album ‘Silent Alarm’ still had some genius innovation left in him to produce a successful solo track? Well yeah, sort of. Kele’s latest track ‘Doubt’ isn’t a “999 emergency! Get this guy his band back” but there is no denying it feels worlds away from what the Bloc Party frontman is capable of. Love or hate Kele’s soaring moody vocals they’re refreshingly unique and along with a heavy electronic bass, the backbone to this track. ‘Doubt’ may not be the cool electronic breakthrough we were hoping for but it’s no failure and restores some faith in Kele’s solo career.

One Direction ‘Steal My Girl’ 

Here I am, a 17 year old girl about to smash through the glass ceiling of white girl stereotypes and slate One Direction… I know, I ‘m not sure the world is ready either. Simon Cowell’s puppets have sadly been handed yet another lyric sheet that some poor soul has had to dumb down and write for them (“take out this big word and put in something about girls’ jeans or a couple of ‘Na Na Nas”).  We should probably put a stop to that really. The hysteria that will undoubtedly surround this boring, repetitive track ‘the boys’ are calling ‘Steal My Girl’ will certainly prove that if you have swoopy hair and the genes of a Greek God the 21^st century music industry is your oyster. Alas, the end is nigh.

Stevie Nicks ‘The Dealer’

Stevie Nicks is super cool – always has and always will be. So cool in fact that my review could end right here and that be that. ‘The Dealer’ was originally recorded in 1979 whilst Fleetwood Mac were working on their album ‘Tusk’. It’s not Stevie’s best work (hence why it didn’t make the cut way back in the land of flared jeans) but it’s a track that deserves an official release rather than a few dodgy internet leaks. The lyrics aren’t all that great but in all fairness, I think Stevie Nicks could sing my mum’s shopping list and it would still be one of the best things to grace my ears.

The Vamps feat. Shawn Mendes ‘Oh Cecilia (Breaking My Heart)’

Cue girls around the world named Cecilia to explode in high pitch screaming because low and behold The Vamps have wrote a song about them in 3…2…1…Wait, what? What do you mean it’s not about those girls? What do you mean it’s not even their song? Who on earth is Simon and Garfunkel? Christ. The past sentences just summarised the youtube comments that accompany this song and they leave one feeling slightly unsure on whether to laugh or cry. Whilst I have absolutely no problem with artists covering old classics, I do not condone the murdering and insincere manufacturing of songs for boys not yet able to produce their own. The cover has been taken to the boyband factory and cheesed up to the max, but by all means, if The Vamps and Shawn Mendes are your cup of tea then drink up.

You + Me ‘You and Me’

I’m glad I was asked to review this track after the disappointment / total garbage my ears just had to endure. You + Me’s soothing country kissed ‘You and Me’ wanders wistfully along with the faint pitter patter of percussion and gentle lyrics that transpires to become almost hypnotic. Alecia Beth Moore’s soulful vocals come as a surprise when compared to her alter-ego P!nk, with the purity, innocence and honesty in her voice becoming a real asset and driving force to the track. It’s easy listening and can soften the angriest, coldest and boyband futile of hearts.

Jess Readett

@jessreadett